There’s three of them, all masked up in the doctor’s waiting room. Flu jab.

The Bloke is watching something with a violin soundtrack on his phone, and tells the others (because how often do you meet actual new people during a pandemic):

‘It’s a YouTube video on Japanese cheesecake. Looks lovely’.

Which leads to discussion about a really good chicken dish involving ginger, soy sauce and rice wine.

Lady 1 is called in for her jab.

The Bloke says to Lady 2:

‘Should have been a chef, not an accountant. Wanted to switch when I was 34, but they said it was too late’.

‘It’s never too late’, says Lady 2 encouragingly.

‘It is too late,’ he says. ‘Won’t ever have my own restaurant now.’

There’s a bit of a silence, then the Bloke gets called in for his jab.

‘Look up the Japanese cheesecake video, right?’

Lady 2 says she definitely will.

Judge: ….we therefore sentence you to 30 days imprisonment for the crime of…

Robber: This is an outrage! I’m completely innocent!

Judge: My good man, you’ve just been found guilty by the court.

Robber: It’s a matter of interpretation, your Honour. I was simply being helpful by testing the security of the house in question.

Judge: You took half a million pounds worth of jewellery!

Robber: But I also fed the cat while I was there, which makes everything alright.

Judge: The verdict stands.

Robber: I don’t think so. If you won’t play ball, my Powerful Mate will have a special committee review your position and the structure of the courts.

Judge: So he’d sacrifice the rule of law just to overturn a 30-day sentence?

Robber: You’d better believe it – he’s not exactly squeaky clean himself, if you know what I mean. It’s a cracker of a plan. What could possibly go wrong?

‘Ex-PM John Major: Government handling of Paterson case shameful’: https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-59188972

‘Boris Johnson sleaze crisis deepens amid pressure on Covid deals’: https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2021/nov/06/johnson-sleaze-crisis-deepens-amid-pressure-on-covid-deals

‘Boris suffers brutal poll blow with his ratings plunging to worst EVER in wake of sleaze shambles’: https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-10174163/Boris-suffers-sleaze-row-poll-blow-ratings-plunging-worst-EVER.html

For only the second time, my mum has a European carer. Her name is Lena, she’s Polish and she’s lovely.

On Day 2, I show her our food stockpile. It’s because of Brexit and Covid, I say. Don’t want to run short.

Brexit? she says.

The UK leaving the EU, I say.

Is it something you like? she asks.

No, no, no, I say – a complete disaster.

Because, she says, some in Poland are not so happy in EU. We are a proud country with tradition, we are Catholic, so maybe better not?

Oh no, no, nooooo, I think.

I say: Lena, please learn from our mistake. Keep your freedom of movement; stay in the Single Market.

She looks blank.

Final shot: I show her a Daily Mail poll in which just 36% said they’d vote out now.

Why have so many changed their minds?

For the first time she looks thoughtful.

That, she says, is a good question.

Forget it, Nick, you won’t change my mind – I’ll never regret voting Leave. Our freedom from EU tyranny is priceless!

Nuff said, Gary. You free tonight? Fancy a game of darts down the Badger’s Arse?

Well, I’ve got a few things to sort out, like getting petrol cos FOR SOME REASON our usual petrol station’s run out, so I need to drive over to Lichfield to tank up… And then Trish wants to go to Morrison’s in Birmingham cos FOR SOME REASON the Weetabix, fish cakes, pizza, toothpaste and baby wipes didn’t come with the online shop. And get this, she wants to see if she can get a turkey now – in September! – cos FOR SOME REASON she thinks there’ll be a shortage at Christmas. Women, eh?

Soooooo, I take it you’re not free?

No.

And you don’t think any of this is down to Brex—

NO.

Phone transcript: Foreign Office Flunky to the Rt. Hon. Dominic Raab, Amirandes Hotel, Crete – Friday 13 August 2021.

Foreign Office Flunky: Sir, we reckon Kabul’s about to fall.

Raab: You’re telling me why?

FOF: Erm… You’re head of the Foreign & Commonwealth Office, sir. We need you to request top-level assistance from the Afghan foreign minister so we can get our interpreters out.

Raab: I thought everyone used Google Translate these days.

FOF: No, sir. Our interpreters do far more than translate, sir. Their cultural knowledge and diplomacy are vital to the work and safety of our troops. That’s why the risk of Taliban reprisals is sky-high and we need you to…

Raab: …yes, yes. Look, just delegate it, OK? Try Zac – they love a Lord.

FOF: But sir, time’s of the absolute essence.

Raab: It most certainly is. Happy Hour’s ticking away here!

– Be there in a sec, darling. Make mine a Bloody Mary!

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-9906319/Dominic-Raab-busy-holiday-help-brave-translators.html, 18 August 2021

Clive Lewis, ‘I saw Afghan interpreters translate so much more than words’, The Guardian, 6 August 2021

Write to your MP: https://www.safepassage.org.uk/write-to-your-mp

when is a snog not just a snog?

when
the snogger is health secretary
during a pandemic
and tells
everyone
to abide by strict rules
that he himself
breaks

when
right around the country
people can’t hug or kiss
their loved ones
or be with them
as they die
while the snogger
snogs

when
the snogger appoints
the woman he is snogging
to a paid advisory role
then takes her
to the G7
on the
taxpayer’s dime

when
the brother
of the woman the snogger is snogging
runs a private health company
that’s received
multi-million-pound
NHS
contracts

when
the snogger’s
failure to protect
the elderly or care workers
leads to
numerous
avoidable
deaths

when
the UK’s
Covid death toll is
128,048
while in other countries
like South Korea
pop. 50 million
it’s 2,008

when
the Prime Minister
won’t sack the snogger
because
he himself is
guilty
of all this
and more

The image we’ll never be able to unsee.