Blame Game

Dr. Finkelstein: So how are we feeling this week?

UK government: *stretches out on couch*  Pissed off. We’re constantly being blamed for stuff that’s other people’s fault.

Dr. Finkelstein: Can you give me an example?

UK government: Well, if scientists hadn’t given us the wrong advice1 we’d have totally aced Covid, and if NHS staff hadn’t overused PPE2 there would have been no shortages, and if the labs hadn’t screwed up3 we’d have met our testing targets, and if Apple hadn’t been unreasonable4 our tracing app would have been a triumph, and if care homes had followed procedures5 then Great Uncle Ernie would still be alive, and if teachers in state schools hadn’t inflated predictions6 then there would have been no A-level fiasco.

Dr. Finkelstein: Erm… remember how we discussed taking responsibility for our actions?

UK government: *stony silence*

Dr. Finkelstein (sotto voce): This is the worst case of BSE7 I have ever seen.

1 Thérèse Coffey, 19 May 
2 Matt Hancock, 10 April
3 Downing Street, 10 May
4 Matt Hancock, 18 June
5 Boris Johnson, 6 July
6 Gavin Williamson, 13 August
7 Blame Someone Else

Every Little Helps

Tesco press release, July 2020

We are pleased to announce that we will be axing cleaners at 1,920 of our Express and Metro stores. Their duties, which include cleaning toilets, will be passed over to shop floor staff from 24 August.

This may seem somewhat surprising, given that Covid-19 has made hygiene a top priority, but it reflects our core values one hundred per cent.

No one tries harder for customers — you’ll no doubt be delighted that Liam the cashier was scrubbing the staffroom loos just prior to handling all your shopping at the till.

We treat people how they want to be treated — by sacking cleaners who worked throughout lockdown at great personal risk to keep our stores virus-free. The UK may now have entered the deepest recession since records began, but we’re sure they’ll find another job soon. 

Every little helps — to boost our chairman’s bonus. Dave Lewis pocketed a cool £4.8 million this year, and has definitely never cleaned a toilet in his life.

Follow the Money

But why so shocked? You’re a journalist for God’s sake. When a minister’s adviser sets up a company to secure a PPE contract, and then delivers unusable face masks while trousering £50 million in profit, what you should be thinking is ‘there’s a pattern here’. Disaster capitalists rule the roost in Westminster right now.

Yes, I am one of them. But I see it this way: Captain Tom Moore’s £33 million is going up in smoke right now. And profiteering from the NHS in the middle of a pandemic simply isn’t a good look.

My advice? Follow the money. Lawyer up. It’s really the only language they understand. Take my word for it: they won’t stop otherwise.

No, please don’t contact me again, old chap. Too much cognitive dissonance. Wishing you the best of British, though.

See also: ‘We May Ask Ourselves

Singapore Sling

I’m Dyson’s Dyson. Yes! I am the Chosen One, plucked from the obscurity of the production line to tend to my Maker’s every vacuuming need in his £43m Singapore penthouse suite.

He spends lots of time here now, which puzzles me a bit. After all, he must have been delighted when Brexit went his way. And if he’s right in saying ‘the UK will create more wealth and more jobs by being outside the EU than within it’, then why move his HQ to Singapore and cut 450 jobs in Wiltshire? Nothing to do with the looming risk of a no-deal Brexit, I’m sure.

Can you keep a secret? I think he’s homesick. He’ll get me out at 3 a.m. and vacuum all 21,108 marbled square feet while humming a gloomy ‘Jerusalem’. As my nan (a DC04 De Stijl limited edition) used to say: ‘be careful what you wish for, lest it come true…’

Hillingdon Lido

Hillingdon Lido re-opened at the end of July. Marge, who’s swum there since she was a kid, was the first back in. The water’s always freezing, so you need to get moving pronto; after four lengths you’ll be toasty, cares melting away.

But today she’s cross. The plaque Boris unveiled at the opening of the revamped leisure centre winks at her every other length. It fuels her outrage. Peerages for his brother, rich Tory donors and a shitload of Brexiteers — who rant about ‘unelected’ EU bureaucrats but are perfectly happy to accept seats in the House of Lords.

‘Lord Lebedev’ takes the biscuit, though. Billionaire owner of the Evening Standard. Son of a former KGB agent. And this a mere week after the Russia Report! The sheer contemptuous brass neck of it all!

Marge fumes her way through another sixteen lengths. The one and only upside: she does her best time in months.

#FarageGarage

After retiring twelve years ago, Geoff Harper moved to Nightingale Close in Ashford in Kent — ‘for the quiet life’.

His house is near St. Mary’s, an old Norman church that overlooks twenty-seven acres of idyllic farmland where bluebirds sing, wildflowers bloom and butterflies cavort. Verily, ’tis the Garden of England!

That same twenty-seven acres has now been bought by the government, without any consultation, as a post-Brexit lorry park for 2000 HGVs waiting to process their export paperwork.

Geoff voted for Brexit, and is trying hard to understand how Vote Leave’s promises of cutting red tape have led to lorries thundering past his house 24/7. A house, moreover, whose value has just plummeted considerably. He would very much like to blame the EU for all of this in some way, but a sinking feeling in his stomach tells him the discomforting truth. He’s been had.

Hope in the Dark

In all honesty, Monday was a real low. Sure, we knew we were going to lose given the parliamentary maths, but it still hurt watching Tory after Tory vote our amendments down. I mean, why wouldn’t you want to stop the NHS being part of any future trade deal? Or keep chlorinated chicken off our tables? No, don’t answer that.

I know what you’re going to say. Why bother. Because, mate, we’re playing a long game. We forced them to show their hand; now their votes are on public record. Ammunition for when the election comes round.

Apart from this fine glass of Belgian beer, there’s a Rebecca Solnit quote that’s keeping me going. ‘Your opponents would love you to believe that it’s hopeless, that you can’t win. But hope is a gift you don’t have to surrender, a power you don’t have to throw away.’

Amen and cheers to that.

We May Ask Ourselves

And you may find yourself
Running a confectionery wholesaler
And you may find yourself
Selling nuts, chocolates and sweets
And you may find yourself
In receipt of a large PPE contract
And you may find yourself
In a beautiful house
With a beautiful £108 million
And you may ask yourself
Well, how did I get here?

Letting the days go by, got mates in high places
Letting the days go by, no competitive tendering process
Who cares if the public asks, where has the money gone?
Once in a lifetime, our Covid Bonanza

Same as it ever was
Same as it ever was?
Worse than it ever was
Much worse than it ever was

And we may ask ourselves
How does a confectioner land a PPE contract?
And we may ask ourselves
Where *does* that audit trail go?
And we may ask ourselves
Is it right? Is it wrong?

And we may tell ourselves (if we voted Tory)
My God! What have I done?

H/T Talking Heads, ‘Once in a Lifetime’

See also: ‘Follow the Money’

Heavy Weather

Yes thanks, I’ve had a pretty good pandemic. Focus groups view me as youthful, personable and competent — at least in comparison to all those other dimwits in the Cabinet. Someone who’s risen to the occasion in these unprecedented times.

A blind spot when it comes to Brexit? Certainly not. I stand by my comment: one thing I’m very humble about is the ability of economic forecasting to be that accurate.

No, my aversion to a new Brexit impact assessment has nothing to do with the Government’s gloomy 2018 prediction that our GDP will drop by 4.9% to 7.6% on leaving the EU. Or the fact that Covid has now made everything immeasurably worse.

Look. The future’s inherently uncertain. There’s really no point in trying to forecast anything.

Are we done? Great. Don’t suppose you’d mind if I borrowed your umbrella? It seems to be raining pretty heavily out there.

Suntrap

The Sun, Zoom editorial meeting, Sunday 12 July

Editor *sucks on a fag and exhales*: Right then. Gove’s launching his ‘Get Ready for the Shitstorm’ campaign, so we’d better look lively. I want a set of articles out tomorrow detailing all the extra Brexit charges in a helpful, sympathetic, but slightly surprised way.

Les: Like we never supported a Hard Brexit, or dubbed four years of expert and Remainer warnings ‘Project Fear’?

Editor *takes another drag*: Exactly. So Les, you do a sayonara to the European Health Insurance Card. We’ll call it ‘EHIC-UP’. Levi, you take mobile roaming charges… Headline: ‘Roam Fee’. And Qin can cover holidays and working abroad. I reckon a sassy ‘EU Need to Know’ for that one.

Levi: But Guv, won’t our readers think we’re a bunch of hypocritical bastards?

Editor *wreathed in smoke*: Hell no. They’re all too f*cking thick.

*Collective sniggers* *Zoom call ends*