Prime Minister, it’s time to phone President-elect Biden and offer him your congratulations.
Look, are you absolutely sure Biden’s won? No chance of Trump staging a comeback? We don’t want to blot our copybook — post-Brexit trade deal and all that.
Joe Biden has definitely won the American election, sir.
Bollocks. It’s just that… Obama thought it a trifle rude when I said he had an “ancestral dislike of the British Empire”. Didn’t understand I was joking. And apparently Joe’s got a long memory.
Sir, I’m sure he appreciated your robust failure to defend democratic processes following Trump’s attempts to stop the count.
Well, how could I know the way things would go?
Sir, that’s not the p… I’ll try to connect you now, sir.
*Brief conversation & awkward pause*
Sir, I’m afraid Mr Biden isn’t able to take your call, but he’s asked me to pass on a message.
“Get to the back of the goddamn line.”