Hi, everyone! I’m Gavin Williamson, your totally incompetent Secretary of State for Education. I’ve just presided over the wholly avoidable A-level fiasco, causing loads of young people huge distress by tanking their futures with a dodgy algorithm (though only if we didn’t like their postcode).

Did you know: I had this portrait taken on the very day I was forced to do my screeching policy U-turn?

As you can see, it’s very understated. The coiled whip at the front of the desk is a particularly subtle touch. See what I did there? A little coded message to the PM. Oh yes, us former WHIPS know where all the bodies are buried, and everything’s neatly documented in that little orange book. So you’d better not sack me. Ever. I’m a Hard Man, see. Even though I do look a lot like Frank Spencer.