Following yesterday’s No Confidence Vote, we unleashed our prototype BullshitTranslator^TM on a selection of Tory statements. Gratifyingly, our results were 99.9% accurate.

Test 1. MP JAMES CLEVERLY: ‘It was a comfortable win. It was a clear win. […] Everyone should respect democracy and get on with it. The party needs to pull together, support the government, support the PM, support the country.’

Translation: ‘A catastrophic result. An almighty disaster […] Everyone should politely ignore it and let us get on with dismantling democracy. The party needs to pull together, support the PM, support the PM, support the PM’.

Test 2. MP PETER BONE: ‘A massive majority.’

Translation: ‘The worst result a sitting PM has ever had in a confidence vote, but if I say “massive majority” enough then they won’t twig’.

Test 3. PM BORIS JOHNSON: ‘I think it’s a convincing result, a decisive result and what it means is that, as a government, we can move on and focus on the stuff that I think really matters to people.’

Translation: ‘Everyone hates me. I’m toast.’

Following an exodus of more than 50 government officials, Johnson (sort of) resigned on Friday 8 July 2022.