Hillingdon Lido

Hillingdon Lido re-opened at the end of July. Marge, who’s swum there since she was a kid, was the first back in. The water’s always freezing, so you need to get moving pronto; after four lengths you’ll be toasty, cares melting away.

But today she’s cross. The plaque Boris unveiled at the opening of the revamped leisure centre winks at her every other length. It fuels her outrage. Peerages for his brother, rich Tory donors and a shitload of Brexiteers — who rant about ‘unelected’ EU bureaucrats but are perfectly happy to accept seats in the House of Lords.

‘Lord Lebedev’ takes the biscuit, though. Billionaire owner of the Evening Standard. Son of a former KGB agent. And this a mere week after the Russia Report! The sheer contemptuous brass neck of it all!

Marge fumes her way through another sixteen lengths. The one and only upside: she does her best time in months.

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