Boris B’stard Johnson here. Just a quick word about that Oven-Ready Brexit Deal.

Thing is, I’m not so keen on it now, even though I signed it and gave it a starring role in my 2019 election campaign. So I’m going to torch the pesky Northern Ireland bit, along with our global reputation. Don’t worry, I’m sure countries will still be lining up for deals once we’ve breached an international treaty. Nothing says trustworthy like breaking the law in a ‘specific and limited way’!

Now, what you definitely mustn’t do is write to your MP about all this. So what if the Good Friday Agreement’s at risk and we’re hurtling towards No-Deal in the middle of a pandemic? Just have a rant on Twitter or watch Game of Thrones. That way MPs will be blissfully unaware of your outrage, and won’t panic and try to rein me in. No point in making my life difficult, is there?

The morning papers on 9 September 2020