I know what you’re thinking: ‘Old Etonian Elevated to House of Lords as Foreign Sec Sweetener by Desperate Winchester College PM’. 

But I ask you, what else could Rishi do? Not one of his 350 wingnut MPs is competent enough for the job. And if making me a lifelong peer is the price he’ll pay for some centrist, international gravitas, who am I to say no?

That scream you can hear from the Cotswolds? Probably Nadine.

Yes, voters will be delighted to see me back. They’ll have forgotten that my arrogant misjudgement gifted us Brexit and trashed the economy. But best not to mention that awkward Greensill Capital scandal and my chummy pints with President Xi.

All kidding aside, there’s a limit to how long you can chillax in a £25,000 “shepherd’s hut” painted in Farrow & Ball shades of Clunch, Old White and Mouse’s Back.

Even if it means rejoining this ship of Tory fools.